(with a shout out to Spike Priggen and George Usher…)
Lists: You know they’re just click bait on websites like Buzzfeed and Huffington Post. People seem to love them. Even before the internet, with its never ending necessities like animal photo bombing sites and cheese bloggers, it seemed like every issue of Cosmopolitan or Men’s Health had cover article with titles like “7 Steps to Better Sex” or “6 Easy Moves to Burn Off Those Love Handles.” I’m here to tell you that I bought quite a few of those issues and I never had better sex nor did I ever lose those love handles. But I kept on buying those magazines.

There’s still something about lists though. If you’re like me and you’ve worked for a company that employs at least fifty people, you’ve probably had to take a workshop or two….or twelve. The names are often things like “Working With Difficult People” or “Conflict Resolution: Win-Win Strategies.” I’ve learned much attending them including the fact that I’m a difficult person and I can’t resolve my conflicts. That’s a big “win-win” right?

While attending one of the aforementioned workshops I learned that the brain is made up of three distinctive areas: Reptilian, Limbic and Neocortex. Let’s skip the Limbic. I was always bad in science anyway. What I’m talking about starts with the Reptilian brain. It contains all of the intrinsic and instinctual human traits, like the fight or flight response, anger or fear. The Neocortex contains the higher level, human attributes, like math or order. So, if you’re really stressed (Reptilian brain firing on all cylinders) you can calm yourself down by pivoting your brain to something associated with the Neocortex. Something like making lists.

Now if you’re like me, you immediately wanted to make a list of the ways you’d like to torture the person stressing you out and having conflicts with. That doesn’t count. Otherwise Dante would’ve been cool as a cucumber while writing about the nine circles of hell in “The Inferno.” I mean, the guy was exiled, had his assets taken, was sentenced to death… Creating levels of misery for others sounds pleasant enough. Maybe this is what got Dick Cheney going on that waterboarding thing?

But I digress…

But my point is the attraction to lists is all in the brain. We’re hard wired to like them and find solace in them. No wonder the internet is filled with useful articles like “5 things you never knew about your accent’ (You say tomato, I say…), “7 ways to keep your vagina young” (I’m still stuck on number one), “10 Millionaires Behind Bars” (This one doesn’t go to eleven), and “25+ Things That Are Hilariously Similar To Each Other” (Huh?).

Think about the possibilities. The UN could issue large lists like “17 Adorably Nonsensical Things That Make Zero Sense, And Therefore Are Perfect” to keep ISIS and Putin sated. If only Hamas and Netenyahu had read a few lists they’d probably be comparing notes on “26 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About the Original RoboCop” while sharing a glass of tea instead of bombing one another back to the stone age…or at least the last intifada.

But better than reading lists, like Dante I believe I should be creating them. That’s where the real healing power lies. And, as my agent wants me to build up my literary platform, what better way to get published on Gawker.com than to create my own useless list? Something that is in keeping with my book subject (music) and simultaneously de-stressing reptilian brains and stimulating Neocortexes around the world.

After much drinking…I mean, deep reflection, I’ve got it: 131 NAMES OF BANDS THAT NEVER WERE BUT SHOULD HAVE BEEN AND MAY STILL BE ONE DAY IN THE FUTURE IF WE’RE SO LUCKY!!! This is the master list, the mother of all lists and the list to end all lists. Creating it has made me so happy that the mold growing in my daughter’s bathroom doesn’t faze me in the least. Is this what Oxycontin is like? This is list based bliss.

131 NAMES OF BANDS THAT NEVER WERE BUT SHOULD HAVE BEEN AND MAY STILL BE ONE DAY IN THE FUTURE IF WE’RE LUCKY

1) The Fig Sniffers
2) Tweezer Pleazers United
3) Butt Pump
4) Quarg
5) The Doody Heads
6) Piffle
7) Blurp, Heimen & Jones Limited
8) The Pee Wees
9) Step Stool
10) Lobe
11) The Diddlers
12) Plap
13) Lip Shtick
14) Trubble Bouble
15) Twirp
16) The Coprophesiacs
17) Silver Stopper Popper
18) The Jews
19) Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper
20) Pan Fried
21) Acid Burn
22) Sell, Sell, Sell
23) Labia Lane
24) Hope a Dope
25) Jew Reed
26) Vodka Chronic
27) Freedom of the Sandwich Press
28) Benny Hinn’s Hair
29) Bloody Pulp
30) HR Snuffenstuff
31) You’re Wrong, I’m Right
32) The Bombdiddies
33) Filament Tip
34) Fleegle
35) Thwarmer
36) The Palace of Doom
37) Huhbuh Buhba Buhba Bubha
38) Sling of Zardoz
39) T-Shirt Fix
40) Eviction Notice
41) The Bowling Ball Holes
42) Bonfire Calamity
43) The Car Crash 5
44) Stolen Dreams
45) Profederate
46) Menocause
47) Rrrrrrrrrrrrrribit
48) The Great Kilkennys
49) Grundy
50) Quarter Rican
51) Cyclone Finger
52) The Afterlife Beforehand
53) Cloudy Circumstances
54) Wrong Customers Penalty Box
55) Toucan Sam Goody
56) Bad Sleepers
57) The Injectors
58) The Done Did Its
59) The Winning Losers
60) The Loss Breeders
61) Burnasol
62) Prope
63) The Rad Dads Highway
64) Big Gut, Little Gut
65) The Naked Vacuum
66) Nude Bongo
67) The Cushions
68) Phillips Head
69) The Smelters of Zion
70) Grrrrrrrreps
71) We’re All Gonna Be Dust
72) The Stinky Pinkies
73) Pasta Safari
74) Proud to Doubt
75) Smokey’s Fire
76) Barge
77) Crown of Crust
78) Silence Emboldened
79) Hippie Juice
80) Vaginalogue
81) The Scream of the Tambourine
82) Leather Racket
83) Gutter Religion
84) The Angry Planet
85) Maybe, Maybe
86) Penile Complaint
87) Turtle Foot
88) Bam-Bam
89) The Correct Spelling of…
90) Alcatraz, Shabbazz and Golden
91) Give Up The Toast
92) Cowbell Flavor
93) Steeple Coma
94) Laying Down on the Job
95) Nowhere to Pun
96) Black Feedback
97) Drum Cake
98) Teleblaster of Disaster
99) Blasphemous Prayershawl
100) The Hi-Hats
101) Noodle and the Macaroni Makers
102) Bad Hat with Towel
103) Flipped Out Sauerkraut
104) Crane
105) Splinter Removal Kit
106) Backwards in Reverse
107) Seen but not Hurd Cattle
108) The Hair Twirlers
109) Blue Randy
110) Flap Your Clam
111) Prime Time Gods
112) The Cross Bearers
113) Bigger Than A BreadBox
114) Tire Buddy
115) Ploop
116) Textbook Sinners
117) Gravy Boat
118) Arkansas Goat Herder
119) Fatherly Advice
120) Drang und Sturm
121) Trowel Movement
122) Clem, Ahem & Amen
123) Crabfinger
124) Late Riser’s Club
125) A Bit of the Fig
126) Whee, Oui, We
127) Fudge Factory
128) Noodle Farm
129) Jah Dump
130) Mudd’s Bat
131) Fecal, Treacle and Ezekial

Are you feeling it yet? No? Try this:

© 2014 Curt Weiss