Observations on quality time with my 84 year old father, day -18

Observations on quality time with my 84 year old father, day -18

My father has created this view of himself as a marketing expert. He took some courses (a course perhaps) in the late 90’s and became an “expert.” When I made the mistake of saying the name of the department I worked for, he repeated it back and said, “That’s a marketing opportunity.” Or when I mentioned that my employer had over ten thousand employees he said, “That’s a marketing opportunity.” I sense what he really means is “There must be a good scam I could pull there.” I thought to myself, “You’re not getting anywhere near them.” The next thought I had was “Remember: Tell him nothing.”

For example:
*When he got out of the hoosegow, he had some plan to sell generic Viagra from India on the internet. Though he wouldn’t admit it, I’m sure it was in partnership with some miscreant he met in the slammer. Let me remind you, this is someone who can’t remember how to get into his own e-mail, or that every e-mail address needs to have an “@something” and a “dot something” in it. And of course, when he does get into his e-mail, he has no clue as to what that thing on the side of the page that says “spam folder” is, or that it’s filled with endless messages trying to sell generic Viagra from India. Talk about a saturated market! What does he think it is: a collection of recipes my mother created for processed meat products? Loco Moco indeed!
*He once had an idea for a beef brisket restaurant called the “Brisketeria.” My mother, who I should say made a nice brisket, would run the kitchen and he would be the business and marketing end. That’s a really scary thought. Who would invest in it, Carmine Gallente? Do any of you remember the scenes in Goodfellas where the deliveries are coming in one door of The Bamboo Lounge and going out the other?
*He once partnered with a dentist to market some medical device about ten years ago. Never made a cent. Still, the only money he’s ever made in dentistry has been the malpractice lawsuits.

There was also a time when he added the word “International” in there too. Or as he would say, “Intuhnational”. When I went back to school in 1990, he kept saying I should go into “Intuhnational Banking.” He must have had some sort of money laundering scheme in mind (was that what he was doing on all those foreign trips he refers to in the seventies?). His thoughts on banking came down to this: get one loan to pay off another. Keep that going and you never have to pay back the loan. Others call it Amway.

I Google my dad every once in a while to try and see what he’s up to: who he’s suing, etc. I found the link at the bottom a few years ago. It says he has 101-500 employees. He actually tried to get “Dad has the plague” sister to answer the phone for him at their apartment and say something like “Lloyd Weiss Enterprises”.

Lloyd Weiss Marketing Solutions: he’s got all the answers. It’s a good thing I never went into banking. He’d never leave me alone.


© Curt Weiss 2014

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